wonder how long it's going to be before i crack and move home.
i'm reminded of shaun talking about the edge community (i've never been of the persuasion but i have no problems with those who are). he verbally checked off a list of individuals in the community who he felt were close to breaking edge and i felt a strange amusement at the tragedy of a group at once so passionate and so fragile in their membership. he comes last to a person surely on the brink; "he's about to turn 19. he doesn't say he's edge anymore -- just says he doesn't drink. he's gonna snap like a twig".
i feel like i'm about to break my edge. the pull, the allure, it's just too strong. unless i find a good reason -- and quick -- staying becomes a deathly negative condition. how hard is it to stay positive in the despair that pales?
listening to 4am by psychic ills at 4am how apt new boring crushes that i don't even really care to nurture crushes to pad the echoing of my fluttering flippant lascivious heart i wonder if it's me or the city the thing making me feel unattractive, that kind with the dull cloudy varnish ashamed and annoyed i guess things are getting better, though realistically
here we are again, i found you while bored and doing some homework how do i tell you that it's a bad, bad, bad decision you have made (it's a trick question. what i really do is keep my damn mouth shut and hope that your judgement is better than mine) how do i tell myself that i can make this work if only i could stop getting in the way this is like talking to myself on the couch at a party when everyone's already fallen asleep or gone home. kinda lame, but no-one's around to judge anyway.
on a full load for the first time in ages. this makes me feel accomplished but really it just brings me up to speed to regular boring human instead of wildly incompetent mental illness human. i know that this was the only path i had to go on, that i couldn't have made my decision to come to canberra any differently. i would say i have made many mistakes in what i have done here but i can't fix them, not now. now i can just fix the most recent ones.
i am getting awfully piney for friends and people i have had nice moments with who i can never ever return to. how do i ring you up and go 'hey let's go drinking and kissing in the park again' or 'hey let's go to cherry and dance on the stage again' or 'you. me. bottle of scotch. screaming drunk. i can start smoking again as i have since quit. dance to dumb bands in your bedroom' when all of these scenarios are so profoundly unreachable. what is this, some kind of existential regret or something? fuck's sake.
progress often equates to the neglect of that which you once held dearly and clearly this progress is rocketing along, ignoring whole pieces. worse even yet, resenting them for ever having to be there to eschew at all
and i think i worked out i don't want to have to save you, the you i fall into to love and give my time to what do i want? a 'real fixer-upper'? a 'modestly renovated dream home'? 'location, location, location'?
many giant leaps of faith in personality development, a feeling like stepping out of a car
in just a few clicks, i find the myspace pages of people i haven't seen in years. these are people i would have otherwise considered lost to the world, bound somewhere unreachable and untouchable. i think i was happier with it that way. now it's suddenly incredibly easy for me to make contact in a style that recently gives me a feeling, abominable and contrived. internet, i tire of your convenience. is it so wrong or redundant or antiquated or inefficient to want to have my long-lost rekindling occur through accidental path-crossing? i think i worry about you too much. another you, another you. it's not that all my 'you's become any less important or influential, but you must admit that there has to be more than this.
"is there more to life than love and being together?"
i get lust, i get love. i get how this works, and it bores me. i like this feeling more, it's new. i'll check my horoscopes for the week and then get back to work. i'll go to deerhoof tonight, i think things are ok.
some days feel amazing. ever since getting back from tunisia i've been getting mental-energy-consuming headaches. i've a million things to do. i'm getting at better at not doing stupid things. hah, just kidding. the contrast between universities is sorta refreshing. having said that, i feel like i'm stuck between my divorced parents again. there's this razor-thin facade of cordiality loosely covering a bit of resentment here and there. and even though they mean well, their interactions with each other are so troubled that they end up making things quite difficult for me.
my phone was dead for a few hours because i didn't pay my billz. total shocker, right? anyway, it's fine now. sorry if you tried to call me today.